Bury the Dead

"Every thought you think in your lifetime has a life of it's own and has a will to live and survive. Thoughts are like people. They have to be buried properly. If a thought is negative or unresolved, it's lurking around for you to finish what you started and bury it in the right way, make it complete.  When your thoughts are contradictory, and have no clarity, you create a universe of thought forms that actually live off your energy. And why not? You are their mother in a strange way." ~Jaguar Woman and the Wisdom of the Butterfly Tree by Lynn V. Andrews

When I read that, it immediately made me feel like I had years and years of weird children hanging off me EVERYWHERE!  How many negative thoughts have I had in my life that I've left unresolved?  There are too many to count!

I've been thinking about that a lot lately, about how sometimes it is so hard for me to let go of negativity and anger.  Only toward the people who don't matter though.  If I love you, I can forgive you in a matter of minutes.  My dad used to say that I lose my temper in seconds, but I cool down and forgive almost immediately after.  I think there is a virtue in there somewhere, although I'm sure experiencing the vice side isn't very pleasant.

Frankly, I'm tired of being blocked from good things because of the anger I hold toward the father of my children and his family.  They are horrid people, truly worthy of the negative feelings I have for them.  But, it does ME absolutely no good to hate them.  They haunt me, appearing in thoughts and dreams on a regular basis only...they don't even know it!  I bring this negativity on myself because of what I can't let go of.  I carry them around like a corpse on my back that is long dead, and for some reason I refuse to bury it.   I'm not sure how to set my burden down, mind over matter seems to elude me. I was cleaning out my closet..ha ha...and found a box.  In the bottom of this box, under random things, was a whole pile of things from at least 10 years ago.  I have been dragging this box around for a DECADE!

WHYYYYYY?!?

And so began my quest to rid myself of the physical reminders of my hatred.  I have cleaned everything, gotten rid of things that I don't need or want, and have only one problem left.  My children.  How do I not hate these people for how they make my children feel?  I think it is only possible through complete honesty with my kids. I think it is only through teaching them how to be decent people, and if I can't let go of negativity, really what legacy am I leaving?  The negativity bleeds through to everything and everyone else, and blocks me from the happiness that surely would be mine....if i could just let go.  

So now, it's just putting the things I have learned into avid practice.  I know you can't hate someone you pray for, which I obviously am not doing for these wretched people.

*grumbles and kicks dirt*

Someone hand me a shovel....we're goin grave diggin