Once upon a time.....yeah screw that.
I admit it, I am a Disney generation child. I was that cliche little girl who thought everything worked out happily ever after with lots of frills, pink things, shiny knights and wedding dresses. Yes, there were going to be trials, but if I was stubborn, strong, and sang a LOT...my perfect man would appear, I could toss my hair and giggle, he would be forevermore smitten, and I would have my fairy tale ending.
*dies laughing*
I have to thank you Mr. Disney, because you made me go for that silly fairy tale, which quickly took on a Grimm complexion, ended horribly and taught me a lesson that will never be forgotten. From that lesson, I learned to appreciate what REAL life and love is, and have found my true shiny knight. My knight doesn't let me act like a helpless girly moron, pushes me to be a better person, teaches me how to survive this crazy real world, and treats me....and my children...with respect and love. He knows what I need before I do, waits patiently while I drag my feet, anchors me when I float away, and pulls me back when I get lost. He drives me crazy, makes me laugh, irritates me, and most of all loves me. He is man enough to let me be my true feminine self, I don't have to try to be the man too.
And he doesn't let me get away with any shenanigans. ;)
So here's to you Mr. Disney, you taught me what not to expect from a real relationship, one that stands the test and lasts for a lifetime, and I have finally found real love.
*toasts*
Sunday, December 26, 2010
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Worst Month Ever!
This has been the worst month ever. Seriously. Everything I have has disappeared, malfunctioned, or gone wrong. I've had eviction notices and shut off notices, my car broke down again, my bank account was in the negative, my kids have outgrown everything. My grandfather found out he has cancer, my father is sick.
All at Christmas, of course.
And yet, I feel happier than I ever have before. Why, you might ask. I have to point up to answer that question. My little family has been overwhelmed, swamped even, with blessings that have all come straight from God. My son's Boy Scout Troop found out about our circumstances and loaded us down with not only money that kept our heat on, but presents that are overflowing from our tree. They brought us food, more presents, and are looking for someone to fix my car for free. The church that helped us pay our rent found a family to sponsor ours for Christmas, and they brought wrapped presents, a box full of new movies like Letters to God, movie packs of snacks, and gift cards for each of us, in addition to a Visa card. My friends have bent over backward to help get me to and from work, to the bank, to the grocery store. I have absolutely NOTHING to complain about! I have wept over and over in gratitude and awe of what we are receiving, and all I can conclude is that my spiritual questioning has been answered straight from God's mouth.
If you need me, I will be on my face giving my profuse thanks for blessings given to an unworthy, selfish child. Me.
All at Christmas, of course.
And yet, I feel happier than I ever have before. Why, you might ask. I have to point up to answer that question. My little family has been overwhelmed, swamped even, with blessings that have all come straight from God. My son's Boy Scout Troop found out about our circumstances and loaded us down with not only money that kept our heat on, but presents that are overflowing from our tree. They brought us food, more presents, and are looking for someone to fix my car for free. The church that helped us pay our rent found a family to sponsor ours for Christmas, and they brought wrapped presents, a box full of new movies like Letters to God, movie packs of snacks, and gift cards for each of us, in addition to a Visa card. My friends have bent over backward to help get me to and from work, to the bank, to the grocery store. I have absolutely NOTHING to complain about! I have wept over and over in gratitude and awe of what we are receiving, and all I can conclude is that my spiritual questioning has been answered straight from God's mouth.
If you need me, I will be on my face giving my profuse thanks for blessings given to an unworthy, selfish child. Me.
Monday, December 20, 2010
It's a Small World After All
So I'm sitting here, fighting sleep, experiencing something that will never again happen in my lifetime. Or my children's, or their children's, or their....well, you get the picture. It's midnight, December 21st 2010, a Winter Solstice which just happens to be hosting a full lunar eclipse.
I am utterly awestruck.
The stars are amazingly bright, the moon is this incredible glowing orb that seems so close you could touch it. I can see all the faces of the moon, and every constellation in the sky is popping out like Christmas lights on a dark street. Little transparent clouds keep passing by, lighting up like flames as they pass through the light. The eclipse is so awe inspiring, the shadow of our planet is creeping across the face of the moon, turning it into a waning crescent...yet you can see all the detail of the shadowed areas.
Incredible.
I am utterly awestruck.
The stars are amazingly bright, the moon is this incredible glowing orb that seems so close you could touch it. I can see all the faces of the moon, and every constellation in the sky is popping out like Christmas lights on a dark street. Little transparent clouds keep passing by, lighting up like flames as they pass through the light. The eclipse is so awe inspiring, the shadow of our planet is creeping across the face of the moon, turning it into a waning crescent...yet you can see all the detail of the shadowed areas.
Incredible.
Even more amazing to me is that I'm sharing this once in a lifetime event with my dear friend. Oh...did I mention that she lives 1, 200 miles away from me? Yes, my friend lives in Canada, and yet we are looking at the same sky, at the same time, and the mountains running by my front door lead straight to hers. It really is a small world after all.
*glee*
Breathing Space
I lead a stressful life. Most of which is caused by...surprise!!...myself. When I remember to slow it down and find my peaceful place, I am invariably drawn to nature, and my camera. For a time I was struggling to find my artistic niche, as it were, and I tried many different mediums. Drawing, singing, playing piano....none of these scratched that ever-present, insistent ITCH. You know the kind...your arms are too short to reach and there is nothing around you to use.
>.<
And then, I had a camera.....and with each snap of the shutter the itch eased.
aaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.......
My camera and I took a hike. Literally. We disappeared into beautiful places and documented every step of the way. And you know what we found? Beauty. Lots of it. We found beauty in expected places, and in places you would consider ugly. I signed up for classes to learn how to be better, but what I found there is that it really doesn't matter if I have all the state of the art lenses and computer programs, etc. What matters is how every picture I take makes me feel, and if someone else sees beauty in it that's just a bonus! I could suddenly breathe again, even through rush hour traffic, disobedient messy children, disappointments, irritations, sadness...all of it. I can be in the middle of Monday hell, take out my camera and just.....breathe.
Where is your breathing space?
>.<
And then, I had a camera.....and with each snap of the shutter the itch eased.
aaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.......
My camera and I took a hike. Literally. We disappeared into beautiful places and documented every step of the way. And you know what we found? Beauty. Lots of it. We found beauty in expected places, and in places you would consider ugly. I signed up for classes to learn how to be better, but what I found there is that it really doesn't matter if I have all the state of the art lenses and computer programs, etc. What matters is how every picture I take makes me feel, and if someone else sees beauty in it that's just a bonus! I could suddenly breathe again, even through rush hour traffic, disobedient messy children, disappointments, irritations, sadness...all of it. I can be in the middle of Monday hell, take out my camera and just.....breathe.
Where is your breathing space?
Sunday, December 19, 2010
I'm Making a List...Checking it Twice
So....in the spirit of new beginnings that always overwhelm us at the end of a year, I have decided to make a list of what I mean to accomplish in the next year. Because I have determined that 2011 is MINE!
Mine mine miiiiiiiiiiiiine!! >.>
We all know how ridiculously forgetful I am....
...wait, I AM forgetful right? *ponders*
Therefore, if there is no list for me, there are no accomplishments. And since I have decided to stop being a complete putz next year, I'm making a list! I would also be lying if I didn't point out that this blog is inspired by my future yogi vegan Canadian wife, with whom I shall live in our yogalet filled zen household. ;)
So here goes *deep breath*....
1. Get it together. I mean REALLY get it together. Clean house, financially secure, happy children, happy me kind of together. I can't even imagine how annoyed my very together lover gets with his flighty, right brained, impulsive woman. While I can appreciate my strengths that come from my spatial side, I can also acknowledge the faults that come with it, and work to change said faults.
2. Get in shape. Not some silly fad diet, but a real lifestyle change that sticks and can only benefit my poor abused and neglected body. With this goal is an acceptance of the time frame involved. It will not happen overnight, and it will ONLY happen with true commitment and perseverance. I'm ready.
3. Be a better person. This may seem to be a very general, blanket statement, but it's something sorely needed in my life. I do love myself, finally, but love sees all faults, and I am willing to own mine. I need to be a better mother, lover, worker and student. I think the key to this is to not try to be Superwoman. When you try to do everything perfectly, you fail at it all. I accept that I won't be the absolute best at everything, but I can be better at being me.
4. Live without fear. I'm tired of being afraid, at what the future holds, what my past holds, and of failing. I'm ready to live in the present, and to live in it fully. I refuse to be cowed by those who want me to fail, and I'm not going to be afraid of losing the ones who support and love me. I think that fear causes me to try and push people away, and I don't want to hurt those people anymore. My love, you have stuck by me through it all and I could never be more grateful.
5. Find my spiritual fit. I have come to a place in life where faith means something, and I don't want to be a person who has faith out of habit. WHY do I believe what I believe? Because my parents said so? I think we have established over the last 14 years that my parents are misled, so where is my place? I want to really delve into different beliefs and have conversations with God about them. I am willing to accept whatever path God puts before me without reserve.
So there it is. My little list.
When I feel like I'm losing my way I will come back here and pull myself back on track. I'm ready to break out of the rut I put myself in. I am excited for the first time in a while, and I don't feel like I'm just sitting around waiting for life to begin anymore. This last month has been an eye opener for me, and I know babe, I have to learn the hard way....but learning anything at all is better than nothing right? :)
Hmmm......learning the hard way........I feel another list coming on!
Mine mine miiiiiiiiiiiiine!! >.>
We all know how ridiculously forgetful I am....
...wait, I AM forgetful right? *ponders*
Therefore, if there is no list for me, there are no accomplishments. And since I have decided to stop being a complete putz next year, I'm making a list! I would also be lying if I didn't point out that this blog is inspired by my future yogi vegan Canadian wife, with whom I shall live in our yogalet filled zen household. ;)
So here goes *deep breath*....
1. Get it together. I mean REALLY get it together. Clean house, financially secure, happy children, happy me kind of together. I can't even imagine how annoyed my very together lover gets with his flighty, right brained, impulsive woman. While I can appreciate my strengths that come from my spatial side, I can also acknowledge the faults that come with it, and work to change said faults.
2. Get in shape. Not some silly fad diet, but a real lifestyle change that sticks and can only benefit my poor abused and neglected body. With this goal is an acceptance of the time frame involved. It will not happen overnight, and it will ONLY happen with true commitment and perseverance. I'm ready.
3. Be a better person. This may seem to be a very general, blanket statement, but it's something sorely needed in my life. I do love myself, finally, but love sees all faults, and I am willing to own mine. I need to be a better mother, lover, worker and student. I think the key to this is to not try to be Superwoman. When you try to do everything perfectly, you fail at it all. I accept that I won't be the absolute best at everything, but I can be better at being me.
4. Live without fear. I'm tired of being afraid, at what the future holds, what my past holds, and of failing. I'm ready to live in the present, and to live in it fully. I refuse to be cowed by those who want me to fail, and I'm not going to be afraid of losing the ones who support and love me. I think that fear causes me to try and push people away, and I don't want to hurt those people anymore. My love, you have stuck by me through it all and I could never be more grateful.
5. Find my spiritual fit. I have come to a place in life where faith means something, and I don't want to be a person who has faith out of habit. WHY do I believe what I believe? Because my parents said so? I think we have established over the last 14 years that my parents are misled, so where is my place? I want to really delve into different beliefs and have conversations with God about them. I am willing to accept whatever path God puts before me without reserve.
So there it is. My little list.
When I feel like I'm losing my way I will come back here and pull myself back on track. I'm ready to break out of the rut I put myself in. I am excited for the first time in a while, and I don't feel like I'm just sitting around waiting for life to begin anymore. This last month has been an eye opener for me, and I know babe, I have to learn the hard way....but learning anything at all is better than nothing right? :)
Hmmm......learning the hard way........I feel another list coming on!
Lessons Learn....ing?
I think I've spent most of my life in a little fairy tale bubble. When you're a little girl, you grow up believing in unicorns, fairies, and happy Disney endings. Then you get older, make stupid mistakes, and end up in a place you didn't even know existed...if you're not careful.
So that was my life for the first, oh, 27 years? Now I appear to be going through an identity crisis, but it's not a negative thing, which I find odd. Lately I have had to accept that things in my life are not now, or going to be, how I want them. Does my little girl heart still want that picket fence, 2 dog, lots of kids Disney ending? Sure it does! But recently I have come to a place where I am ok if that never happens. I know my lesson to learn is love, and I'm REALLY excited that I finally figured it out!
I'm not sure when this happened, or why it happened. I am suddenly in a place of inner peace, and I have no idea what led me there. Not only am I unsure of where my life is headed, how to be a good mom, where we are supposed to live, etc......but I am in the midst of a spiritual identity crisis too. I don't know why I believe what I believe except that it is a habit picked up in childhood. Add that search to the rest of my crazy life and you get....chaos!
Anyway, I think the point of all this rambling is that my life is in complete chaos, but I'm ok with that. Sometimes it's necessary to uproot everything you know and are comfortable with so you can make room for the new and exciting. I'm tired of the rut I'm in and I'm ready to learn about myself, make changes where I should, and accept my path. Most of all, I'm learning to accept love for what it is, not what media would lead us to believe it is. Is real love that perfect Disney story? Nope. In fact, most emphatically not. It starts with loving yourself, with all your faults, and carries over to those around you, and that one perfectly imperfect person. Love is not blind, it's eyes wide open, all seeing, and completely accepting. I was doing it all backwards, but I'm ready to start again....with me. If I love me, I have an endless supply to give away, and that can only be a good thing right? :)
So there it is, my first random ramble of a blog. Hopefully it makes a bit of sense, but even if it doesn't....that's ok! It will be interesting to see where it goes from here, already ideas are brewing.....
So that was my life for the first, oh, 27 years? Now I appear to be going through an identity crisis, but it's not a negative thing, which I find odd. Lately I have had to accept that things in my life are not now, or going to be, how I want them. Does my little girl heart still want that picket fence, 2 dog, lots of kids Disney ending? Sure it does! But recently I have come to a place where I am ok if that never happens. I know my lesson to learn is love, and I'm REALLY excited that I finally figured it out!
I'm not sure when this happened, or why it happened. I am suddenly in a place of inner peace, and I have no idea what led me there. Not only am I unsure of where my life is headed, how to be a good mom, where we are supposed to live, etc......but I am in the midst of a spiritual identity crisis too. I don't know why I believe what I believe except that it is a habit picked up in childhood. Add that search to the rest of my crazy life and you get....chaos!
Anyway, I think the point of all this rambling is that my life is in complete chaos, but I'm ok with that. Sometimes it's necessary to uproot everything you know and are comfortable with so you can make room for the new and exciting. I'm tired of the rut I'm in and I'm ready to learn about myself, make changes where I should, and accept my path. Most of all, I'm learning to accept love for what it is, not what media would lead us to believe it is. Is real love that perfect Disney story? Nope. In fact, most emphatically not. It starts with loving yourself, with all your faults, and carries over to those around you, and that one perfectly imperfect person. Love is not blind, it's eyes wide open, all seeing, and completely accepting. I was doing it all backwards, but I'm ready to start again....with me. If I love me, I have an endless supply to give away, and that can only be a good thing right? :)
So there it is, my first random ramble of a blog. Hopefully it makes a bit of sense, but even if it doesn't....that's ok! It will be interesting to see where it goes from here, already ideas are brewing.....
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