Friday, January 28, 2011

Love My Demon

This one is for my Demon.

He is the best man I have ever known.  He pushes me to be more than what I am, and acts as my mirror...reflecting myself back to me so that I can see the beauty and flaws in honesty.  He won't let me be stale and stagnant, he makes me move and grow and learn.  He toughs it out through the bad times, always waiting on the other side.  He works hard, and always does the right thing.  If ever there was a soul mate...he is mine.

I'm a lucky girl  ;)


Wednesday, January 26, 2011

The Cheri Saga, Part....1?

I have officially started my new life.

That's right...I'm bona fide.  I picked up my little family, packed us in a truck...with a lil help from my friends  ;)...and moved us to a land far far away.   Well, it felt far far away after being cooped up in a truck together for so long!

I was so scared.  I thought, along with people who didn't wish me well, that I would never have the courage to do what I have just done.  I thought that I would live my entire life in the place that I was born, and that thought was so sad.  I have dreams, aspirations, bucket lists!!  I want to see things, wander places, meet new people.....but the little homebody in my head whispered that it was too dangerous, just stay here.

So anyway, here I am.  My new life is about to start, and I am very excited.  I went around my new city today, and I was overwhelmed with the beauty of it.  Everything is different, the air is different, the trees are different, the animals are different.  I am surrounded by water, it rushes along the ground and hangs in the air...it makes the sun a huge ball of colorful fire at sunrise and sunset.  I feel the pull of my mountains, and a little part of my heart grieves for them, and for the huge vistas of Colorado.  But I feel happy here.  It feels a bit like coming home.

So, now the saga of my life...begins?  Continues?  Stay tuned...

Thursday, January 20, 2011

Love Thy Neighbor

I know I have been slacking at my good news posts,  but I had to post this video when I found it.  What a beautiful person!  I wish that I could quit everything to help humanity like this, I'm so glad to see someone stepping up and making a difference. Enjoy!


Here is his Facebook page.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Bury the Dead

"Every thought you think in your lifetime has a life of it's own and has a will to live and survive. Thoughts are like people. They have to be buried properly. If a thought is negative or unresolved, it's lurking around for you to finish what you started and bury it in the right way, make it complete.  When your thoughts are contradictory, and have no clarity, you create a universe of thought forms that actually live off your energy. And why not? You are their mother in a strange way." ~Jaguar Woman and the Wisdom of the Butterfly Tree by Lynn V. Andrews

When I read that, it immediately made me feel like I had years and years of weird children hanging off me EVERYWHERE!  How many negative thoughts have I had in my life that I've left unresolved?  There are too many to count!

I've been thinking about that a lot lately, about how sometimes it is so hard for me to let go of negativity and anger.  Only toward the people who don't matter though.  If I love you, I can forgive you in a matter of minutes.  My dad used to say that I lose my temper in seconds, but I cool down and forgive almost immediately after.  I think there is a virtue in there somewhere, although I'm sure experiencing the vice side isn't very pleasant.

Frankly, I'm tired of being blocked from good things because of the anger I hold toward the father of my children and his family.  They are horrid people, truly worthy of the negative feelings I have for them.  But, it does ME absolutely no good to hate them.  They haunt me, appearing in thoughts and dreams on a regular basis only...they don't even know it!  I bring this negativity on myself because of what I can't let go of.  I carry them around like a corpse on my back that is long dead, and for some reason I refuse to bury it.   I'm not sure how to set my burden down, mind over matter seems to elude me. I was cleaning out my closet..ha ha...and found a box.  In the bottom of this box, under random things, was a whole pile of things from at least 10 years ago.  I have been dragging this box around for a DECADE!

WHYYYYYY?!?

And so began my quest to rid myself of the physical reminders of my hatred.  I have cleaned everything, gotten rid of things that I don't need or want, and have only one problem left.  My children.  How do I not hate these people for how they make my children feel?  I think it is only possible through complete honesty with my kids. I think it is only through teaching them how to be decent people, and if I can't let go of negativity, really what legacy am I leaving?  The negativity bleeds through to everything and everyone else, and blocks me from the happiness that surely would be mine....if i could just let go.  

So now, it's just putting the things I have learned into avid practice.  I know you can't hate someone you pray for, which I obviously am not doing for these wretched people.

*grumbles and kicks dirt*

Someone hand me a shovel....we're goin grave diggin

Friday, January 14, 2011

On The Bus

I rode the bus the other day.  Several times, in fact.  As I sat there, watching an endless flow of people running before me, I had to wonder.....where are they going?  Where did they come from?

An old man, bundled up in his second hand, dirty clothes sat in the corner of a seat.  He looked at the world out of blank eyes that didn't seem to register anyone or anything around him.  No one spoke to him.

A group of women, obviously several generations of family, all speaking what sounded like an African dialect.  They ranged in age from extremely old to a young child, and all of them helped each other carry their many bags of groceries.  When their bottles of Hawaiian Punch kept falling to the floor, on to my feet, I offered to put them in the seat next to me and earned a dirty look from the middle aged woman.  The young mother looked surprised when I offered, and when she looked at me out of one of the darkest skinned faces I've ever seen I thought....wow, she is so beautiful.

A woman with silver all through her hair and a scarf covering it told her fellow passengers that she was born in '77 and I thought...good grief, do I look that old??

A young couple sat together, whispering in each other's ears and laughing at an intimate joke while they pored over a city map, trying to find their destination and wondering out loud if they were on the right route.

Young men with music blasting in their ears looked at me with rebellion written all over their faces.

Every rider answered my questions about bus routes...but every driver treated me like an idiot.

People of all ages, sex, and race greeted one another as they boarded the bus, treating each other like old friends.

Every single person thanked the drivers and told them to have a good day.

I wanted to sit in the back of the bus and ride it all day long, taking photos of the little world within a world. Where are these people going?  Who are they?  What makes them who they are, and where have they been? How can each person be so beautiful and unique?

We are all One.

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Out With The Old..

My life is pretty much on the crazy train track right now.  It's a new year, new semester, I've been called in for jury duty that looks to be a 3 week case AND I'm standing on the edge of an adventure.

That's right....lil ol' me is going on an ADVENTURE!!

It's time we get out of this tiny apartment, and time I move on in my career.  So, I've decided to do both at the same time.  I don't know whether to be ecstatic or scared silly.  I think I'm a bit of both.  This is completely new...exciting, frightening...different from everything I've ever known.  I'm a fan of the known, I like to surround myself in the snuggly sameness of it every day, while wishing things were different and adventurous.  Confusing?  Yes, but I am a Cancer woman and entitled to be crazy.

Mmhmm.  *nods*

Anyhoo...my life has turned into cleaning, packing, changing, and just generally freaking out in addition to all my regular daily activities.  I know that this change will be an amazing one for us, I think it will finally bring us up to where we need to be to not just survive, but thrive.  I'm so ready to see us thrive, to stop this...existing...and really live.

Plus...we get fireflies!!!   YAY!

Thursday, January 6, 2011

Get Up Again

Ok I think everyone knows that I have a HUGE heart for those with disabilities.  I love being able to make a difference in the life of even one person, whether it is helping them with activities of daily living, or helping someone with a mental disability integrate into their community.  I love this little world, and I am so grateful to be a part of it.  Helping someone with a physical handicap is very rewarding, knowing that another human being trusts you to take care of them and help them keep their life going.  Helping someone with a mental handicap is just as rewarding, sometimes frustrating, always worthwhile.  The developmentally disabled population is one of the most open, happy, unprejudiced communities I have ever been privileged to know.  These people are looked down on or pitied by society, when really they are the lucky ones so much of the time.  Many of them are so happy and innocent and such a joy to be around.

Today's good news is dedicated to anyone with a disability, and all the able minded and bodied who are lucky enough to be a part of their lives.

I mean, seriously....this guy SWIMS!!  If I saw him jump off the side of the pool like that I would be like "OMG!!!!!   SAVE HIM NOW!!!!!"  *dive*

There is no rule book that says you can't live a happy and fulfilling life with a disability.  It makes me think of one of my favorite songs by Flaw:

Reach out your hands
Out for the ones who, aid when the going gets rough
Until the end. 
These are the ones who, help when the times get tough
And times will get tough. 
Get up again.
Times will get tough. 
Get up again...





Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Nothing is Impossible

My good news post today is about overcoming obstacles.  Please watch:




This video touches me so deeply, this man trained his body every day, looking forward to a goal that probably was the only thing he could see.  We may think being in the olympic games is a fruitless goal, but he must have truly believed in that goal, and forced his body to reach it.  I think the most heart wrenching part  is the look on his face as his Dad walks with him, the physical pain and the despair at the loss of his dream.

But...

He perseveres.  He crosses the finish line, not running, but limping.  He lost his dream but he found a new one because he didn't give up.  I can't imagine the horrible pain each step brought him.  That makes me reevaluate my life, all the "small things" that I complain about, and how I ignore my potential every single day.  I want to be that kind of person, the kind who doesn't quit, even in the face of overwhelming odds.  I want to be that kind of parent, the kind who will push through crowds and Security to get to my child in need, the kind who yells at others to back off so my child can succeed.  Obstacles are just that, obstacles.  They are not walls that can't be climbed, tunneled under or gone around.  They can be moved or you can move yourself to overcome them.

Monday, January 3, 2011

Demon

I can't sleep.
So I lay here in the dark
with our stars
and think of you.
The way you look
the way you feel
how you taste.
The steady rise and fall
of your breath
as you lay next to me
in the quiet.
How you hold me
when I cry
and tell me
everything's gonna be alright.
The way we fight
and how I know
that no matter what
you will be there
on the other side.
If I could erase
anything that causes you pain
I would.
If I could give you everything beautiful
I would.
Love, as a word,
is insufficient.
You are

All

Sunday, January 2, 2011

Look Around You..

My first good news post is about the beauty of nature.  I think when we live in cities we forget that the entire world is not that little, crazy, non-stop bubble that is the city.  When we don't have the chance to get out and really breathe deeply of the beauty of the earth, we get closed off and mean.  Maybe criminals would be less likely to commit crime if they were required to take a hike in the mountains every day!

lol...maybe not, but it's worth a try right?

All I know is, when I feel mean and old and hard from the city around me, I go to the mountains and unwind.  If you can't do that, here are some pictures to remind you of what is outside those city walls.

"Why is life beautiful instead of just functional?  I believe it's because God loves us and wants us to be happy."  ~Lacey Mosley

Check out this link:

The Beauty Of Nature

Life Is Beautiful

So....

As I sit here, looking through messages, notifications, new posts, new blogs.....sipping on my Starbucks extra bold....conversations from yesterday are running through my head.  2010 seems to have been a terrible year for everyone, especially for those closest to me.  I don't think I know anyone who isn't extremely happy to see the end of 2010, including myself.  Terrible things have happened, people have been lost, lives have been turned upside down...perhaps beyond recovery...and it feels to me as if there is a blanket of grief and anger covering everything and everyone I see.  I feel the hardness and uncaring attitude seep into my bones when I step out for that Monday morning commute every week.  The news tells me of every inhuman act committed during the night, people drive like morons and blame me for it, drama unfolds at work, and for the last two weeks on the job I've had to wipe green snot.

Gross.   >.<

Frankly, I'm sick of it all.   I truly believe there is good left out there, I've been the recipient of it, I try to give it back.  I think the media has us so willing to believe that there is nothing left of our humanity that we jump headfirst into things like road rage, screaming matches, and just generally treating people like crap.  Why?  Because of fear.  We fear that the person next to us in line is waiting to rob the store, that when we want to take a stroll through the city there is a rapist lying in wait around every corner...and on, and on, and on......

So I have set myself a new project, mostly for me...to remind me of how lucky I am to live in such a beautiful world...and hopefully for you too. I'm going to post something amazing that I found, and I will try to do it every day.  Because we DO live in a beautiful world, it's all around us.  People help each other all the time, but that doesn't make the news.  Everyone needs reminders of the beauty around them sometimes, probably me more than most!

We are all One....

Saturday, January 1, 2011

GRRRRRR!!!

Ok I admit it, I'm an angry person.  I'm angry at life, at my parents who threw me out like dirty cat litter, at the way they cut me off from the rest of my family, at my ex husband, at his family, at my children because they don't get it, at myself for being angry....I think I'm angry at everything!

I keep trying to bury the anger under all the reasons why I shouldn't be angry, but it's not working.  I think it's growing....like some rabid, self consuming monster eating everything in it's path.  I try to pray, to meditate, to distract myself, I try to count my many blessings, but none of it is working.  All because underneath all the good is this base of mean, violent anger.  How is it possible to see all the beautiful life under an oil slick??

This can't be right.

I don't know what to do about it, so I'm going to keep trying new things until something works.  I'm going to put it here on virtual paper, I'm going to tell you when you hurt me or piss me off, and I'm not going to take it out on myself or my children anymore.  Most of all, I am going to mold myself into the person I should be, the one who does everything she is supposed to.  What I'm  NOT going to do is keep burying layer after layer of pain and anger so that it can just eat away until there is nothing left.  I'm going to start taking care of my body and mind, just for me, not anyone else.  I'm going to do things that make me respect me, and if other people don't it won't matter.  I'm going to take my disappointments in life, in other people, in myself, and deal with them instead of internalizing them.

I'm ready to be happy.

I Won An Award!

I would like to thank Allison for giving me The Stylish Blogger award  :D  It means a lot to me that my words mean something to someone else, you really made my day Allison!  Ok, so here are the rules:

The Rules are as follows:
1. Thank and link back to the person who awarded you this award. 
       Thank you Allison! Link is above.2. Share 7 things about yourself
3. Award 10 recently discovered great bloggers




Hmmm.....7 things about myself, I don't know about that...lol


1.)  I am an overly empathetic person.  If you hurt, I hurt, and sometimes I have to retreat to my Cancer crab shell to keep the pain manageable.  My Shaman friend taught me how to close off other people's emotions without losing the care I have for them, it's helping but sometimes I forget.


2.)  I don't live up to my potential.  Sometimes I feel like there's something great trapped inside me, screaming to get out, but I just feed it more cookies to make it shut up.


3.) Music and art make me happy.  I'm pretty good at photography and that makes me so proud of myself, I want to learn more about it and maybe do something with that talent.  I sing all the time, especially in the shower  ;)


4.) My kids drive me crazy.  I love them madly and want to duct tape them to the wall all in one breath.  I want to be the kind of Mommy that makes them feel safe and loved and happy, and I fail at that sometimes because I have to be Daddy too, but 2011 is the beginning of meeting my Mommy goals.


5.)  I am going to get out of here, I have lived in Colorado my whole life and I am ready to not be afraid to try something new.


6.)  I love elephants.   A lot.  They are beautiful, mysterious, strangely human beings and I think we are linked to them on some deep level.


7.)  There are a lot of people in my life that I love tremendously.  Strange circumstances have brought us together and I am very grateful for it.  I think it's weird that I met at least half of them on the internet.  :)




Ok now for the blogs that I like, I haven't been doing this for long, so I don't have 10, but I will add more as I find them!  :)


Confessions Of A Wannabe Yogini
"You Win Some, You Lose Some, You Wreck Some"
Single Dad Laughing
The Buddhist Blog