Ok I admit it, I'm an angry person. I'm angry at life, at my parents who threw me out like dirty cat litter, at the way they cut me off from the rest of my family, at my ex husband, at his family, at my children because they don't get it, at myself for being angry....I think I'm angry at everything!
I keep trying to bury the anger under all the reasons why I shouldn't be angry, but it's not working. I think it's growing....like some rabid, self consuming monster eating everything in it's path. I try to pray, to meditate, to distract myself, I try to count my many blessings, but none of it is working. All because underneath all the good is this base of mean, violent anger. How is it possible to see all the beautiful life under an oil slick??
This can't be right.
I don't know what to do about it, so I'm going to keep trying new things until something works. I'm going to put it here on virtual paper, I'm going to tell you when you hurt me or piss me off, and I'm not going to take it out on myself or my children anymore. Most of all, I am going to mold myself into the person I should be, the one who does everything she is supposed to. What I'm NOT going to do is keep burying layer after layer of pain and anger so that it can just eat away until there is nothing left. I'm going to start taking care of my body and mind, just for me, not anyone else. I'm going to do things that make me respect me, and if other people don't it won't matter. I'm going to take my disappointments in life, in other people, in myself, and deal with them instead of internalizing them.
I'm ready to be happy.
Hi Sri,
ReplyDeleteThank you for taking the time to make such nice comments on my blog. I enjoy reading yours so much. I think that has so much to do with your honesty, and that so often when I read your words, I feel like they could be my own. As you said, you ARE empathetic, as I suppose I am, and I feel you through your words. I look forward to reading more of what you have to say. It helps me feel less alone, less isolated, which is a struggle for me now, and not a good place for me. Thank you again. It helps just knowing you are *there*.
Allison